I
remember about six years ago I went to a women’s fellowship at our church and
someone spoke on the topic of loving others. There was one specific
thing that has stuck with me every day since then. If we are to be
unified we need to make sure to love others by always assuming the best about
them, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and never questioning their
motives. This was not easy for me. I have always been skeptical
of others and imagined what others thought about me (which led to great amounts
of insecurity). Instead, we should focus on our identity in Christ
and whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence,
if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things (Phil 4:8-9).
I have
been trying to put this into practice and it has dramatically changed my
relationships with others, but I've noticed one thing recently, I’m not yet in
the habit of this with my children.
Let me
be the first to point out that Addilyn is stubborn (and she definitely gets
that from me). She likes to make decisions and she likes to be in
control. Although these traits can be used in a positive way, it is
very hard for a 3 year old to understand appropriate boundaries. For
a few months now we have been trying to foster a since of independence (and
problem solving) but also helping her to understand that she is not the boss,
she needs to ask for help, she must still submit to authority, and she will not
always get her way. Great lessons for a 3 year old. Great
lessons for us all. However, in my pursuit to teach her this, I
noticed that I don’t give her the benefit of the doubt. I often
assume her persistence in something I would not typically approve of is simply
defiance.
I’ve
told my husband on numerous occasions to pay close attention to Addi when she
is playing or completing a task. Many times if she is doing
something that seems silly or inappropriate to us, she usually has a pretty
good reason for it. For example, the other day, Addi was moving a
dining room chair across the kitchen floor and into the living room. I
asked her why she was moving the chair and she responded, “I need
to.” I followed with, “Why do you need to?” And her response was, “I
just do.” Now, normally I would keep at this and ask a few more
questions or just tell her to stop and return the chair to its proper
place. However, I was distracted with a mess Josiah was making and
let her continue with what she was doing. While taking care of
Josiah I noticed he had a poopy diaper. I stood up and turned around to
go get a diaper and there was Addi, standing there and smiling (with a diaper
and wipes in hand) and said, “Mommy, I help you change
Siah?” She had finished moving the chair, so she could stand
on it to reach the diaper bag (hanging at the top of the coat rack), so that
she could bring me a diaper and wipes because she knew that her brother had a poopy
diaper and she wanted to be helpful to her Mommy. *Sigh
She
could not communicate all of that as clearly or in as much depth as I would
have…because she just turned three years old. Three. I am 27 years
older than her. Why on earth do I expect her to act like me and know how
to communicate like a 30 year old?
Now, I
don’t want to use this as a means to justify sinful actions, but just to remind
myself of her age and her capabilities. I also think it is good to
challenge your kids and push them to become better in areas. So, for
example, continuing to have the dialog so that she can learn to articulate her
plan. I pray that God will give me the patience to listen to her
form a thought, and maybe stutter through it, or repeat things that don’t make
sense. Either way, this can be a way I can love her and promote
peace and unity in our home.
Just for
kicks, I wanted to share with you several other examples all from the same
exact day.
Every
morning the first thing we do when Addi wakes up is take off her pull up and
put on her panties. This particular morning however, we got into an
argument because she didn’t want to put on panties.
“Addi,
please go take off your pull up and put on panties.”
“Mommy,
I have panties but I need a pull up.”
“No,
hun, you are not a baby, you are a big girl. You don’t need a pull
up. Go put on your panties.”
“I
HAVVVVVVE panties!” (Accompanied by crocodile tears).
“Addi,
I know you are upset, but you need to listen and obey mommy. Go get
your panties right now.”
She
walked away crying and I heard her dresser drawer in her room open and close so
I assumed she was changing. I went to get Josiah out of his crib and
noticed the poor thing had a blow out. After changing him, I
returned to their bedroom to remove Josiah’s sheets. I figured if I
was going to wash his sheets, I would go ahead and change Addis sheets
too. Her sippy cup was lying on her bed and had evidently been
dripping for a while creating a huge wet spot. “This is the exact reason
we don’t allow cups in the bedroom,” I thought, becoming angrier at her
disobedience. About 20 minutes later I found her panties I had asked
her to put on lying in the floor. I called her in the room to speak
to me. Fighting to maintain a calm tone of voice, I said,
“Addi I
told you to put on your panties. “
“Mommy,
I have panties.”
“No
Addi. You panties are right here.” I held them up to show
her. “Here let mommy help you.”
And then
it hit me like a ton of bricks. All the dots were starting to
connect. I had a flood of understanding the second I touched her.
She DID have panties! She had slept in them all night and was
soaked clean through!
The
night before was our small group night. She was supposed to be in
childcare. We had put her in pajamas but planned for her to play and
then get into a pull up before actual bedtime. However, she and her
brother had few meltdowns, which made Josh and I to decide to put her and
Josiah to bed early. I forgot to put her in a pull up. She
tried telling me, but I did not listen! I assumed the worst about
her. I did not give her the benefit of the doubt. She had
a reason for saying and doing what she did, but I was not paying attention.
The rest
of the day I was much more attentive to this. Especially when she
kept asking me to carry her around the house. I could not figure out
why she was acting so needy but through a series of questions I discovered she
had a cut on the bottom of her foot and she didn’t want to walk because it
hurt.
After
naptime Addi was continually begging for snacks. She had already had
two and I could not figure out why she was so hungry. Eventually, it
came out that Josiah stole her peanut butter and jelly sandwich from her plate
and she had not actually eaten her lunch like I thought.
Later that
evening, bath time shed light on another example. Addilyn will, on occasion,
throw a huge tantrum about not wanting to take a bath. That evening was no
exception. Through many tears, she told me, “It hurts my hair.” By
the grace of God through the lesson I was learning I was able to translate that
to “ I don’t want to take a bath because I know we will wash my hair. And,
since I have tons of curls that get tangled easily, it hurts when we have to
brush it out.”
I share all of this with you to encourage you to take a
moment. Listen to your child. Ask questions and assume
that there is a reason they are acting the way they are. If we can
apply the same principle to our children that we do other relationships we can
show them grace, love, and mercy and ultimately show them a picture of Christ.
8:50 PM
Josh, Amanda, Addilyn, and Josiah Kelly
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